NOT Magically Delicious

I watched EZ Streets.
I loved EZ Streets.
Black Donnellys? You are no EZ Streets.

See what I did there? I used a cliche to intro this post. The cliche springs from the October 5, 1988 Amerian Vice Presidential Debate, where then-Republican Veep candidate Dan Quayle had the temerity to compare himself to Jack Kennedy, as he'd been doing in his stump speech for months. Democrat Lloyd Bentsen responded with the famous quip:

Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy: I knew Jack Kennedy; Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.

A pretty devastating comeback, to be sure. It almost obscures the fact, that Dan Quayle did go on to become Vice President for four years, where he managed to use his time attacking fictional television characters. An undeserved pirohuette in the spotlight, to be sure. But one that in short order has been reduced to its essence: the quip above and a few half-remembered punchlines about the man's haplessness and his wife's hair. The judgment of history, when it comes, tends to cut to the quick.

Today, any construction based on Bentsen's remark is a cliche because the rhythm is so well-known, and has been used so many times, that it's a go-to. It's been drained and separated from its original impact through re-use. You use cliches because they work, but every time you use one, it's like rubbing the foot of a lucky statue. The gold gets burnished a little more. A little more rubs off til all you're left with is a pile of lead.

Kind of like The Black Donnellys.

Jack Kennedy and Lloyd Bentsen are both dead now, of course. Which at least means they don't have to suffer through this horrible, hackneyed, completely unbelievable exercise in Emperor's New Clothes Wankery. (or as John Doyle called it, "paddywhackery.")

You have the unreliable narrator.
You have the girl next door.
You have the Irish guy who owns a bar.
You have the dead dad who was a union leader.
You have the family secret motivation.
You have the Michael Corleone good boy turned reluctant gangster.

I was writing someone during the show last night complaining that all that was missing was the gaelic singing just as the gaelic singing started. (During a loving, mournful period of violence, natch.)

This is the kind of show where you try to take the stink off the fact that you're putting out a bilious cliche by having a character comment on it. A line about how Irish Americans despise having themselves portrayed as a bunch of brawling drunks is followed by a bar fight. All of about three minutes into the show.

Remember when Tommy Gavin went across the table to go at his brother cause he found out he was sleeping with his wife, Janet? Yeah. Uh. This is not that.

Start to finish, the story of how good boy Tommy goes to the path of darkness is paint-by-numbers predictable. The only scene they skipped was talking to the parish priest in the confessional. Maybe they decided to save that for Episode Two.

How you could be Irish, watch this, and not want to throw a rigidly-upper bodied Irish dancer through Paul Haggis' window is totally beyond me.

The show's ostensibly set in Hell's Kitchen, but seems strangely devoid of time or place -- which is not surprising considering Hell's Kitchen was long-ago supplanted by trendy Clifton, the latest NY 'hood where lofts and condos tempt the young professional to debt and domesticity.

In essaying his view of an Italian-American crime family, David Chase heard complaints from the segment of the Italian community who always complain any time Italians are portrayed as gangsters. Not only has he integrated that criticism into his show, he's managed to turn the critique into something of an inner-show dialogue that's spawned some memorable plot turns and discussions among the characters.

I don't think The Black Donnellys has anywhere near that level of ambition. In fact, it seems to me that Haggis, after pouring heart and soul into the "magnificent failure" of EZ Streets, is looking to try and do something a little less challenging in order to pull in the eyeballs. He's succeeded. All those failed shows from the fall: Daybreak, The Nine, Six Degrees, Vanished, Smith, Kidnapped -- Donnellys is less ambitious than every one of them.

If you, like me, were a Crash hater, you have no need for this show. It's not Haggis at his finest, it's Haggis at his worst and his laziest. I hope he takes a crack (or is that craic?) at TV again soon, because I don't think any of us are going to be talking about the Donnelly's come St. Patrick's Day.

And hopefully, when the judgment of history comes, it won't spare a lot of ink for these Donnellys. If you want an Irish fix, both Rescue Me and Brotherhood portray some of the cultural quirks of the Irish family experience with verve and authenticity. If you want a story of Irish gangters, try Phil Joanou's first film, State of Grace, starring Sean Penn, Ed Harris, and a wonderful turn by Gary Oldman as a very Donnelly-like brother in the actual Hell's Kitchen. Or hell, rent The Departed. Nicholson's got nothing to do with being Irish, but his Irish gangster is at least fun to watch.

As for the Black Donnellys? Well, it's one begorrah away from being a joke. And all the people giving it good reviews? Well, y'all can kiss my royal Irish...

...wait. Never mind. Ending on something like that would be a terrible cliche.