The Night Before Christmas...

THAT'S WHAT it feels like to a committed TV type. The fall season starts tomorrow. And thanks to Diane, I'm reminded that when it comes to TV news, the first place one always needs to check is The Futon Critic.

As she puts it:

I mentioned before that Mr. Futon Critic himself, Brian Ford Sullivan, was listing the 10 things you need to know about the new television season. He's done now, and he used statistical analysis to prove or disprove common assertions, like that Friday is the death time slot (it is), or that networks try to kill their shows (they don't). That's enough to earn my devotion -- opinion based on data, instead of the glut of trend articles that prove nothing but how cleverly writers can pick and choose details to suit their purpose.

But his last item, #10, is "Television is the best medium out there - and most of it is free!" and it's a lovely little article on how TV consistently produces "great content in a format that really isn't conducive to creating great things. "

Diane's particularly adorable when she's channelling her inner Spock, or Lisa Simpson, I guess would be the more flattering comparison...but I remind you all that here at Dead Things on Sticks, your humble host likes to engage in the messy first draft -- saying bold and occasionally stupid things about TV for your amusement and/or horror. I'm all about "choosing the details to suit my purpose."

Which doesn't mean that I too, can't also enjoy "opinions based on data." And bow down before the logic of their conclusions as presented. In any case, I for one think there are a couple of other items on Brian Ford Sullivan's list that demand your attention:

His number 2 point: Shows succeed and fail at the same rate, regardless of the genre, should be required reading at the Canadian networks. They all have a deep seeded allergic reaction to certain types of genre pitches. Many of us have grumbled that it's based on prejudice, not experience. Now Sullivan's crunched the numbers. Everything fails. Everything. Following the "hot" genre is no more a predictor of success than going it alone. You may as well try to stand out from the pack.

Then, take a look at number 6: Shows generally get canceled for one of three reasons. This is a nice, dispassionate article for the fan who's already wringing her/his hands over one show or another. When Mark Twain wrote that "a lie can get halfway around the world before the truth can get its boots on," he didn't anticipate the Internet. Now the lie's gotten all around the world, hit a bar, gotten on its cell phone in the bathroom stall doing a line of blow with a tranny hooker before the truth's feet have hit the floor. This season, as in the past, there will be all manner of vitriol directed against "suits" for making "idiot" decisions. Many blog posts will be writ, and forum theories be floated. But it's worth noting that none of this is really that voodoo. If you follow the ratings week-to-week, you'll probably know a show's going to be canceled before it is. And no, it won't be because there's a grudge against that star, or because "the suits were stupid."

Which is not to say that some of them aren't stupid. They're probably stupid in the same proportion to the rest of the population. Isn't that comforting?

Yes, you say, but Canadian networks don't generally release ratings. So how can I figure out if my favorite Canadian show is doing well?

Um.
I punt.

Then you get to other entries like number 9: Box or not you are represented in the Nielsen ratings (the tiresome argument I myself had a million times with viewers, and that I never want to have again) and number 8, Television, for better or for worse, is a business, and to me, Sullivan's true agenda is made clear:

When it comes to thinking about TeeVee, please don't be a crazy person.

Our relationship with TV is personal. I remember, years later, that Ted Harbert canceled My So Called Life. It's natural to invest in shows you love. But remember at the end of the day, you are getting it for free, or so close to it it's silly, and, really, it's still only TeeVee.

Now get out there and start your couches!

And thanks, Diane, for the Futon tip.