On Dreck, On Spec...

Yay!

I got my first piece of hate mail of the "How dare you tell people not to write Entourage" variety. I'm so psyched by this because my days at the network tell me that for every negative letter you get, that's at least ten (or was it a hundred? Um..thousand?) people who want to boil the skin off your body, stitch you up into some grotesque fleshy covering and wear you as a man-suit.

That being said. I think it's perfectly legitimate to write an episode of any series you want. What's not acceptable - at ALL - is to not know your shit cold.

Let me present my bonafides to you first, because this might seem a little nasty without saying this upfront. I've taught a screenwriting course (Yes, it is true, we actually do grow on trees.) at a University in Toronto for about ten years. A little longer now, actually. This means two things:

-I am getting to be a very old bastard. (Approaching 40, don'tcha know)
-I have read, oh, say, about 900 spec scripts.

Now, most of these were in the "baby writer's first spec script" category. And most of them kind of sucked. There are no more great, undiscovered writers out there than there are great basketball players or great pro-golfers. The likely analogy is that there are a lot of girls and boys out there like Chris "Moneymaker" -- the guy who played poker online and played and won the World Series of Poker a few years ago. Or maybe that doesn't apply at all. Maybe, just for a moment, I wanted to write about poker. I am weak. So sue me.

Every year, though, I get one or two excellent first scripts from people who could really make a go of it as tv writers. Many of them have. Before you ask, yes, there are several of them who are waaaaaaayyyyy more successful than me. And they are younger. And for this they must die.

No. Focus. Right. More often than not, what sets the good apart from the bad? Besides the obvious, like, uh, the writing?

How cold they have the material.

This is important. Pro writers, before they start a show, do their research. A lot of people writing a spec script, because you're not getting paid, want to jump right into the writing part. It's a perfectly understandable impulse.

But it, like the liberal and regular use of crack cocaine, heroin, or crystal meth, can get you killed.

If you write a CSI, you cannot fake the forensics.
If you write a WEST WING, you must know how American government works. (Or more likely, the fantasy, "we're through the looking glass" version of how it should work.)
If you write ENTOURAGE, you have got to know Hollywood.
If you write HOUSE, your medical mysteries have to be true medical mysteries. You can't get back at the ex-wife by calling some deadly malady "Trudy's Syndrome."


So when you choose what to write, you can save yourself some time if you already have some knowledge there. That's why teen soaps are golden. Because unless you're one of the spore people, (And by the way, you #@%@#$% untrustworthy spore people, your tribute is late) everyone has been a teenager.

If I'm Mr. Hollywood guy and a read an item about something going on in L.A. and the barest detail is wrong, I'm gonna sniff and move on to the next script unless your material is just handed down from freaking Jehovah.

But you know, if Marisa is drinking a quart of tequila and macking on Summer, maybe not.

Ironic aside: Do NOT do an O.C. where Marisa macks on Summer. Please leave something to the sad, sad fanfic writers.

When I was writing specs, I chose WEST WING. This was at the end of WEST WING's first season. I did this for a very good reason: I am a freak for U.S. Politics. I also set my episode around the Library of Congress. Because I had been there, on a story, and had once interviewed the Librarian of Congress. See? Inside knowledge.

Once upon a time, I read a pretty good Sex In The City spec from a woman in my screenwriting class. She had the characters mostly right, and the story was inventive enough. The problem was, it hinged on a certain candy bar name that shared a name with one of the iconic characters on the show.

All the Americans are scratching their heads right now. Mr. Big.

Do you see the problem?

Mr. Big (the candy bar version) is not found in the USA. And is CERTAINLY not found anywhere within the five boroughs, never mind Manhattan.

Know it, or research it. There is no other option. Half baking your script is like half baking a pie. And who wants some bastard half-pie? It'll probably just curdle the ice cream and make a big goopy mess.

You want some Hollywood playa reading a big goopy mess?

I think not.