Nobody Includes Me

THE GREAT WILLIAM GOLDMAN famously opined that in Hollywood, "nobody knows anything."

So I wonder why I'm surprised by being surprised by this:

ABC made a flurry of midseason programming announcements Thursday, including ordering more episodes of "Life on Mars" and deciding against picking up "Pushing Daisies," "Dirty Sexy Money" and "Eli Stone" for a full season.

I'll skip the usual eulogy I have -- and that sick feeling of knife to the heart -- any time an interesting or original show like Daisies (which I admit I didn't return to this year after hearing from people that it wasn't as good as last year) and Eli Stone, and say that though the Dirty Sexy Money move is hardly surprising -- so is the vote of confidence in Life on Mars.

I always thought the show was too out there to work on a U.S. network. I stopped watching after Ep 3 convinced me they were going to go too watered down to be true to the material. (that ep had a gay subplot where even the 'homophobic' officers weren't so terrible about the killing of a gay guy -- this, supposedly less than five years after Stonewall in NYC. Uh uh. No sale. If you're gonna be PC 21st century, what's the point?) I also am disappointed that Harvey Keitel isn't more like his character in Bad Lieutenant. I mean, he's a sock compared to Philip Gleinister in the original.

But not only are they giving it more eps, they're putting it on after LOST in January.

I don't get it. I really don't.

...and that almost makes me a little bit hopeful.

Funny that.

Own The Language, Own The Story: The "Town Hall" Edition

FURROWED BROWS. SOFT AD MARKETS. 110 INCH TV's. Whoops, sorry.

Point is, you likely won't be going out much this holiday season, at least to company sponsored events. In fact, some of you are likely to be sent home from work on a more permanent basis. So, based on the last few days, let's practice the hot new Broadcaster Jargon, and apply it in context:

Town Hall Meeting - once beloved of politicians, the new "town hall" is an "all hands on deck" gathering where the bosses scare the living shit out of you by declaring that you're probably toast.

If you're going to take the pain out of that phrase, you have to own it.

Scene:

A dark bar. Wood paneling. candlelit tables, Rolling Stones playing BG. SHE: sitting at the bar. HE: other side of the bar. Eye contact, on and off, about thirty minutes worth. He sidles up to her.

HE:

"So, I couldn't help but notice your concern. I'd like to invite you to a town hall meeting...back at my place."

Or...

A Grocery. SHE comes out of Aisle two and heads for the YOUNG BUCK checking for bruised fruit.

SHE:

"How are the peaches today?"

HE:

"Not bad, I guess."

SHE:

"This bad economic news really has me freaked."

HE:

"Me too."

SHE:

"Hey, listen. You wanna have a town hall?"

HE:

"A town hall for two?"

SHE:

"Why not?"

He replaces the peaches.

Or, finally:

A TTC Bus. Two FRAT BOY types.

FRAT BOY:

"Dude, you know that waitress last night?"

FRAT BOY2:

"Yah. S'up?"

FRAT BOY:

"I totally town halled that."

They go 'up high.' Everyone else squirms in their seats. The Dow drops 1000 points.

How Much is that Weapons System in the Window?

I DON'T EVEN know what that title means. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

The Podcast is up from yesterday's Q. Listen to Tara Thorne and I as we break down the thorny issue of Product Placement. It's about halfway through, directly after the interview with "Branded Entertainment" expert Jak Severson from Madison Road Entertainment.

Shoes Dropping

OKAY, OKAY, WE KNOW. The sky is falling.

But if you're a purveyor of scripted TeeVee ware, maybe that's not all a bad thing. From the L.A. Times' ShowTracker column:

Is the recession driving viewers away from reality programming?

There has been so much chatter about politics and the economic meltdown on TV this fall that it's obscured another reality: Some of the networks' biggest unscripted series have been sinking in the ratings.

Now, it could be argued that all of network TV is down. But virtually all of the series that have shown improvement this fall are scripted shows. Among them: NBC's "30 Rock" (up 23%), the CW's "Gossip Girl" (20%) and CBS' "Ghost Whisperer" (8%) and "How I Met Your Mother" (12%).

So, what's up?

Part of the explanation is TV's natural aging process. Many of the reality shows currently on network schedules are, not to put too fine a point on it, old. "Survivor" is in its 17th cycle, an eternity given that TV lifespans roughly approximate dog years.

And what about that economy? Well, hard times may not have any direct effect on what people choose to watch. But there's little doubt that during times of upheaval, viewers' tastes can shift. For example, the deep recession of the early 1980s may have created a fertile environment for the success of nighttime soaps about the treacheries of the rich and infamous, such as "Dynasty" and "Dallas."

Thus, at the outset of what looks to be another deep recession, the sudden success of once-suffering comedies such as "30 Rock" and "Mother" is striking. As the Dow continues to spiral down and jobs dry up, viewers may have decided that their everyday lives already contain more reality than they can bear.

There is opportunity here. Traditionally, as people retrench, stay home, spend less, maybe they do look for other things. Six months from now, maybe all those "the sitcom is dead" articles will look silly.

You have Canadian networks pre-freaking while their bottom lines are still robust - talking layoffs, expense cuts, the sky is falling -- and blaming the CRTC not giving them free money. Next will be the predictable demands to be let out of doing their (already minimal) Canadian Content.

What if someone stepped up?

We need a content Warren Buffet. Stat. Grow a pair, lock and load, and try to put something on the air that makes people's lives a little more enjoyable. Out of panic can come opportunity.

Apparently people are looking for, you know...distractions.

The Tyranny of 'Why.'

SO AS I alluded to the other day, a return to development means questioning a whole bunch of stuff about how you work and how to focus a new concept. Luckily, that means being able to have conversations with smart people.

One of those smart people is the Producer who I'm working with on one of my development projects. Al Magee has been praised elsewhere, so let's dispense with that one right off the bat. A few weeks ago, we're having a meeting about this project, and after I talked in circles for a little while, Al said something that I found unbelievably trenchant:

The Brits used to make movies about "what happened." The Americans make movies about "what happens next." And we tend to get pushed into movies about "why it happened." Which as box office shows - nobody really gives a shit about.

What happened. What happens next. Why it happened. Three simple phrases.

Two of them can lead to pretty good, or even great -- films and TV shows.

But the "Why..." The Why will kill you every time.

Canadian TV is forever about the why. Most of the time you will spend in a meeting with the network, they will want to talk about 'the why.' What you're saying, why the characters are doing this and that. We employ freelance 'story editors' on film, and even development TV projects. And if they've been raised under the Canadian system and they're doing their Telefilm best, they'll steer you clearly toward the shoals of "Why it happened." In the unlikely event that you do manage to score a scintilla of press coverage for a show, you're probably going to get asked questions about the why, and most creators who get a show will blather about the why given half a chance.

It's all specactularly wrongheaded.

Why?

(Oh come on, you knew that was coming.)

Before I unpack why 'Why it happened' leads us down a bad road, let's examine the reasons why the Canadian system has evolved that way (and for those who aren't Canadian, this is still instructive if you're a newbie writer because a lot of newbies play this game too):

1) The Desire for 'Cultural Importance.'

Many Canadian TV shows and movies, traditionally, have been developed by people who look at the dominant U.S. culture and find it wanting. They want to do shows that look as slick as U.S. shows but have "higher aspirations." That's why you couldn't swing a Dead Cat in a Development Pitch at a network a few years back without hearing "Six Feet Under." It's why FLASHPOINT getting on CBS is the most important thing everrrr... and why the P.R. for that show goes to great pains to point out how a straight-up CBS procedural is very different from U.S. cop shows.

Sometimes the people wielding the power in these situations are Producers who chafed under the industrial model, where U.S. creative would come up here and boss all the Canadian Line Producers around. One day, they vowed, we will do better.

Writers, too, usually see the writing on the wall. Those who want to sign up for the 'loftier sell' stick around, and those who have a more 'commercial bent' -- traditionally -- have lit out for L.A. at the first opportunity.

I could get into a cultural sidebar here and point out that every person I've ever met who talks about wanting to 'do better' than the U.S. culture generally reveal the more they talk, the less they really understand about the United States or Americans, and also how they fold in some pretty elitist ideas about Canadians, too...but that's a digression too far this morning.

The Desire for Cultural Importance is one of the main reasons why an actual, very Canadian show that's a huge worldwide success -- Stargate -- is never mentioned in the press here as a Canadian show. Even though ALL the key creative behind it are, in fact, Canadian.

It's also why everybody gets skittish about praising Trailer Park Boys. Look at Rob Salem having to defend his praise for the show in the Toronto Star because of 'outraged readers.'

Notice that both Stargate and Trailer Park Boys are shows that actually draw a dedicated audience. A measurable one, I mean. They have actual 'fans.'

The disconnect between shows that people watch and shows that fulfill the Desire for Cultural Importance is key.

2) The Government in the System

Telefilm, the CTF, all public funding of TeeVee and Flim requires you to blather on and on in documents about what this project does to further Canadian culture. Bureaucrats like reading about how this show will explain Canada to Canadians. The "Why," then, becomes the most important thing in the project to secure your fundings. The more time you spend talking about the why, the more it feeds back into the DNA of it. Why is also an easy thing for people to talk about. It's way easier to talk why than to talk story or character, because that discussion requires some level of craft or writing knowledge.

This pear-shaped discussion process leads to meetings where people tell comedy writers, "oh, we know it will be funny, but we want to talk about the heart," as if nailing the funny was the easiest thing in the world. And as if people tuned in to shows to see 'the heart.'

3) Unfamilarity with the Medium

There are a whole lot of people who make TV in this country who don't watch TeeVee. And a whole lot of people who make films who only see films at Film Festivals -- which is not how 90% of the viewing audience sees them.

The Tyranny of "Why this Happened," separates the makers of filmed entertainment from the consumers of filmed entertainment. It's one of the big reasons why so many shows fail to find an audience.

Why Why Sucks:

Tell me if this happens to you. Last week, watching a TV program with my Dad, I quietly endured the usual outbursts. My dad likes to try and 'figure things out.' In the opening scenes of a show, if a mystery is set up, my Dad will spend the next fifteen minutes saying, "he did it," or "I think it's her" or, sometimes, "they're related." -- whatever it is. Point is he's trying to figure out the mystery.

It doesn't matter that he's almost always wrong. The truth is that the only difference between my father and everybody else is that, um, he doesn't use his internal voice. We're all trying to figure things out all the time. That's how we derive pleasure from watching a show. In a comedy, we laugh out of anticipation, and then we laugh again out of surprise when it goes somewhere different from where we think it's going. In drama, one of the reasons why procedurals are so popular is that desire to figure out why. The reason why they're satisfying and hold our attention is because most people try to figure it out, and delight when they can't. That's what keeps them watching.

In both cases, what do you notice about people? They're not the monolithic couch potatoes they're supposed to be. They're engaged in the process. They're trying to imbue meaning, and their search for that meaning is the thing that makes them like the show. LOST is entertaining because we all try to figure out the mystery, and never quite get there.

Marshall McLuhan famously deconstructed his visions of media, and described TV as a 'cool' medium, meaning that we need to do more work to extract meaning from it. That, in fact, is the point.

The problem with making a show about 'why it happened' then, is that you are fundamentally robbing the audience of their part in the transaction.

They're the ones who get to decide what it means.

If you remove them from that process by making your show all about explaining, or lecturing, or hammering home the why and the theme, you are actually forcing the audience to disengage, not further engage in your presentation.

A light sprinkling of theme helps to focus you -- but only if you're focused on the what happened, or what happens next. If you spend all your time thinking about 'why,' then you are almost guaranteeing that you'll wind up with something that's not engaging to the viewer.

Which, by the numbers, seems to be most scripted Canadian TV.

Sounds simple when you put it that way, don't it?

There's Drama in that Snapple

TUNE IN CBC Radio's Q today after 10am to hear me Tube Team talk about Product Placement in TV shows, from ye old wri-tor's perspecty.

...And Cancel Christmas!

I LAST CHECKED my email on a free wi-fi connection at the Orlando International Airport at about noon today. A few things here and there, send, forward, delete -- the usual. I just got in the door (Hey, it's fucking winter!) and there were thirteen messages in my Dead Things Mailbox.

That, chickens, is NEVER a good thing.

The emails were multiples, of course. In the wake of last week's catastrophic Global layoff of over 500 people, both CTV and Corus today sent out all-staff memos announcing hiring freezes, restrictions on travel, forensic examination of all expenses that would make David Caruso blush, and a well of other draconian pronouncements.

The soft ad market, she ith a bitch mistress, shurely...

My favorite part of the CORUS memo was the following:

All company supported Christmas parties are cancelled for this year

Are there no workhouses?

CTV's having a big staff town hall tomorrow to gloom and doom a little further.

Welcome to the suck, kids. Fa la la la la.

Seeing What Develops, or Beware The Napkin

SO FOR THE first time in a long time, I'm starting to break and configure a story of my own, not based on anyone else's pilot or characters or bible. It's a world of characters and situations that I've come up with, along with a few key collaborators, over the course of a much longer time. Things percolate until you get the time to work on them.

In a sense, though -- and this is the thing that often gets missed within the Canadian system -- all of that prep work, that percolation, is only a very small part of the process. Because when you finally get down to brass tacks, your series world has to be grounded in the moment. It needs to reflect the world of the now, not the world when you first started thinking about it.

You may think, "well, really, how different can it be?"

About a year ago I decided, in discussions with my collaborators, that I wanted to turn next to a show that was positive, that had a funny or upbeat spin to it -- something escapist and un-cynical. I took a look at Ugly Betty, and liked something about the attitude of that character. There's another element to the show that I won't get into since it's kind of the nervous system of the thing, but I can say that there was a setting that placed it within the corporate world.

CUT TO:

Now. Now, what's changed in the corporate world in, oh, the last few months?

I was on the right track, an anticipatory track that suggested that people would like something hopeful. I was feeling that way, and I was pretty sure other people would feel that way too. And so with the Obama ascension and the change in mood in the USA (I've been in America for the last week and the change in feeling is truly astounding,) I've got something that I think will speak to the now.

I just have to figure out how to frame it in the context of near total economic collapse. Ulp.

None of these considerations are small. That's why people who have been doing this awhile (and I get cheeky here by including myself in a 'we' that includes writers who've been at this way longer than me) sometimes get so discouraged by 'Napkin Shows.' Napkin shows are those kinds of shows where Producers partner with a writer who might have a good idea for a show -- but nowhere near the experience to pull it off. Napkin shows look easy, but usually go down hard -- because the reality is that nothing about creating a believable, sustainable world is easy. Knight Rider is a napkin show. They do a half-assed pilot movie, shoot the thing onto the air, and a month or so in they realize that their show is bullshit and they have to completely recast and retool.

The talking car fighting terrorists might have seemed a good idea in W.'s America, where, oh, only say 60 percent of people were against the Iraq war. But now, doggone it, people are thinking about their jobs and homes, and the idea of the car actually helping individual people -- ie: the original concept that worked -- seems like genius. So they're going back to it.

There is a napkin show that didn't place itself into its time properly.

There have always been napkin shows. In the past they were handed over to more experienced showrunners and maybe things all turned out alright. It comes down to vision.

Now the internecine fight in Hollywood is getting uglier because you have all these Producer-Only Deals in place, and Producers trying to be the lead on shows where the writers are the hired help. Call it Hollywood's Canadianization of development. So now these shows arrive half baked, and whichever showrunner they tap to try to make sense of it doesn't last too long because they're fighting a Producer who thinks their every creative whim is what's driving the show, and network execs with way more power than they ever had before who expect to be able to carry every decision, yet still retain their rights to pull the plug instantly. Is it any wonder the Warner Brothers, or all the other independent production companies, have withered in that environment?

A whole lot of cooks, a whole lot of fingers in the pie, equals My Own Worst Enemy. Boom. Three and out.

I watched My Own Worst Enemy with my Mother and Father last week, and it was really, really instructive. My Dad's retired now, but once upon a time the guy was a manager of a manufacturing plant. He's got a business degree. He's a smart cookie.

I don't think he knew what was going on for three consecutive minutes in that show.

And I wasn't doing much better. I mean, what a mess it was. But the switching between personalities aspect of it wasn't the thing that was confusing. He actually got that very quickly. It was the 'why' of it all that proved elusive. Why are they going to all this trouble? What is the point of all this? What are the stakes, and which of these guys is the "real" guy. Oh, really? It's the spy? So...um.

Why? I want you to think about that question -- Why? And hold it in your head. We'll get to it. But maybe not today.

Anyway, there's basic questions. No good answers.

Napkins for miles.

(N.B. -- took a break from writing this to surf some other screenwriter sites, and lo and behold, Kay Reindl at Seriocity has written all about Knight Rider and My Own Worst Enemy, and done so with hilarious and trenchant insight.)

There were a lot of napkin shows greenlit within the Canadian system over the last little while. And it's been a bumpy ride. Even though the same thing is going on in the USA now, to an extent, in the Canadian system writer/creators have the extra overlay of a Network thinking in the back of their heads, "maybe if we can import an American to do this, they can sprinkle their L.A. fairy dust and make this sing! Sing!"

Which of course is a joke, because they never manage to get the Best of L.A., now, do they? One could make the argument that you'd be better off with going with one of your highly experienced homegrown showrunners, rather than import somebody 3rd tier from the larger system. But, you know, that too is a question for another time.

So back to development. You've got to know your world in a way that Knight Rider and My Own Worst Enemy didn't. That way your production adjustments can be just that, and not complete fucking retools on the fly. You have to worry about the "will my show get taken away from me?" factor. You try not to think of the scripts you've seen by incredibly experienced Canadian showrunners -- pilots for series that would have been plug-awesome if they were picked up. You try not to think of what some of those showrunners are doing now - propping up substandard material that never should have seen the light of day.

You try not to think of a thousand and one other structural problems stacked against you and then...

...then you clear the instrument. Like a pitcher on the mound who learns to tune out the screaming, catcalling crowd, you realize that none of that can help you.

You hope your Producer is on board with you. You're encouraged by the conversations where you all seem to be talking about the same thing. But now you just have to sit down and put ass in seat and figure the shit out.

And the first thing you have to figure out is how you can escape the tyranny of the Why?

But for that, you're gonna have to come back tomorrow...

Guest Post: "How Do I Be A Writer?"

DMc writes:

Allllmost back. One more day in the sun, reading books, not worrying about cold or words or concepts or the weirdness that is "the tv people." But coincidentally, I opened up my email box yesterday and saw the unmistakable signs of a writer expurging himself immediately post-project. This is a good thing -- cause the turn this blog's gonna take for a while is more tough love for the writer's soul. And I'm more than happy to lett Matt MacLennan kick that off.

Matt MacLennan is just finishing up a gig as a writer on a new CBC show called "The Wild Roses." He has also worked on Whistler, Billable Hours, and 15/Love, among others. Toronna, see ya tomorra. Over to you, Matt.

Ok, so I’ve been asked this a buncha times: “How do I be a writer?”

And my answer is usually, “Learn some god-damned sentence structure for one. You have the grammar skills of a dyslexic four year-old. Honestly… Oh what? Are you crying? Really? Crying? Cry all you want. Your tears bring me joy.”

Just kidding. I don’t say that. I’d be a prick if I said that.

I usually answer with nothing. Because I am a prick who fancies himself too busy to answer questions (that’s right, I fancy myself – obviously I’m a narcissistic prick).

Anyway, new policy. I’m answering the question.

For those of you who are writer/screenwriter/journalist friends, I would appreciate any input, feedback and even insults pertaining to this little project. Between all of us we should be able to come up with the ultimate list. Then we can go nail it to the WGC office doors just for kicks (it’s the closest thing to a church we have).


PART THE FIRST:

This first part is all about one thing.

Attitude.

The rest of the list I’m going to provide won’t mean a damn thing if you don’t get these things down pat first:

1. Write because you love it. Seriously. Think about what motivates you to do this shit. It’s a crazy job. Who the hell wants to talk to themselves and imaginary people all day in complete isolation without any promise of success? What are you, a glutton for punishment? If you love the whole crazy process fine but…

If you're after power, want your ego stroked, or enjoy manipulating and controlling fellow carbon based life forms then go have kids, take up S&M in earnest like you’ve always wanted or build and destroy a small nation … Whatever you do - please stay the hell out of the writing racket. Trust me there are enough self-serving assholes populating this little village of creatives already.

And for the love of whatever God you may or may not believe in – please do not do it for the glory. Eugh.

Generally speaking no one gives a shit about writers. They exist behind the scenes doing their work quietly, hanging out in the white spaces in between the words. People bitch about it but, in truth, that’s one of the best things about the gig – you don’t exist which is kinda magic. Enjoy being behind the curtain just like the Wizard of Oz did. If you step out from behind it too much then everyone will find out that we’re all schmucky, pale introverts pulling levers, tossing smoke bombs and throwing ideas at walls hoping they stick.


2. Pack a lot of intent – it’s a long haul to get anywhere. If you don't want to really really really write then don't. No, I’m serious. Otherwise you bust your ass for years and years, get good enough to achieve some kind of success, then you realize it's always a lot of work even when you know what you're doing (too much work if you don't love it) then you stop writing.

It's a waste of precious valuable life time. I’ve seen people do that. It’s a heartbreaker.

3. Bring a bag of focus - it's hard. It's going to take a lot of tenacity, drive and dedication even if you really want to do it. A recent study suggests that it takes over 10,000 hrs. of work (in a quality environment) to properly master any skill (which is about 5 years if you’re working at it something 40hrs. a week). And once you’re good you have to actually find a job which takes some time.

Dig in. Even if you’re good it’s gonna be a long haul.


4. Be a good person. I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do this. Your parents should’ve covered it but in case they fucked up here are a couple ground rules: be kind, treat others with respect, celebrate their successes, be honest, help, don’t suck up, endeavour to learn from people instead of judging them, foster the creativity of others instead of smothering it with your ego.

And don’t stab anyone in the back unless you want to find some steel between your own ribs one day.

I find writers are remarkably handy with a blade when retribution calls.


5. Ditch the torture. No one reading this is tortured. Thanks to the twin accidents of geography and history and the complete fluke that was your birth, you have been inherited the lifestyle of an entitled prince or princess - and not even because you deserved it.

Yeah, yeah, life’s hard, your parents didn’t love you enough, your ex is banging someone who looks just like you blah, blah. We all have our misery. If you’re selling yourself some story about your sad sack life or how you’re so hard done by then don’t be a writer. The “tortured artist” is a cliché that should’ve been deleted long ago.

Right now there’s a guy who earns less than a dollar a day to find land mines with a stick – he has the right to complain.

You?

You should shut the fuck up and get back to work.

Speaking of which…

Stay tuned for PART THE SECOND - a.k.a. PART DOS, a.k.a THE NEXT PART and a.k.a. WHY THE HELL AM I WRITING THIS INSTEAD OF WRITING MY SCRIPT?

I'm ready for part dos. What about y'all?

Guest Post: Behind The (Magic) 8 Ball

DMc writes:

It's a difficult thing, prognosticating. Especially when it comes to the Canadian media industry. Factor in consolidation, the fact that trends lag behind trends in the USA, and that so much is based not upon the production of intellectual property, but the exploitation of foreign-made intellectual property, and well, you get yourself a pickle.

But for more than thirty years, there's been one wise soul that's never shirked from giving an opinion. With Global laying off over 500 people, the woes of CBC ongoing, and even mighty CTV left shaken by the CRTC's turndown of the "free money" surcharge, we need someone to take a stand on where the industry is headed.

So today's guest post comes courtesy of that shining beacon of truth, the Magic 8 Ball. As is customary, I posed questions to Magic, rather than have him run off at the mouth. His answers are below.

Thank you for agreeing to speak to me today. Let's start with the obvious. Global seems like it's going through a rough patch. Will the company recover?

CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN

Um. Okay. Global. Are these layoffs just the beginning, or are we going to see movement in a positive direction?

REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN

I sense that maybe that's not the best leadoff subject. Let's change tacks. Corner Gas is now in the middle of its final season. Do you think that CTV is ever going to find a show that matches its popularity?

IT IS CERTAIN.

Really?

SIGNS POINT TO YES.

Wow. I'm sure that's good news. I guess Ivan Fecan and his team really do know what they're doing.

BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.

I feel you, Magic. I feel you. Okay. I used to work at CHUM, back when CHUM was CHUM, and when I go there now, it just seems weird. Do you think that they'll ever be able to capture some of that old Znaimer-era magic in that building?

OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.

So if you were working there, would you advise sticking it out?

DON'T COUNT ON IT.

Ooh. Wow. Tough love. There it is. Hey, let's change tacks. Did you see Grace Park on The Border on Monday?

YES.

Pretty good, huh?

YES, DEFINITELY.

Yeah. I heard the ratings were, like, the highest ever for the show. 765 000 or something. I guess that was a good call, adding her to the cast.

IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.

Hey, have you noticed John Doyle's been a bit wacky lately? What's going on there, you think?

ASK AGAIN LATER.

Later? Oh, I get it. We still grabbing a beer later?

MOST LIKELY.

Nice. Nice. Let's see, what else? Oh, I know. So we're now in the second year of doing lots of pilots for Canadian shows. Do you think it's worth the expense? What do you think when you see a Canadian TV pilot?

REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.

Funny. That's what they said.

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

So, Magic, listen, I'm sort of at a crossroads in my career here. I'm thinking maybe I'll do some of this, but then again, that sounds cool. And there's always the other thing. I know which one I'm leaning to. Here let me write it down. There. What do you think? Right call?

MY SOURCES SAY NO.

Wow. Really. But the money's great.

VERY DOUBTFUL.

You mean for the aggravation? The aggravation won't be worth it?

AS I SEE IT, YES.

Okay. Sorry, that was a bit personal. Let's talk CBC for a moment.

CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.

I didn't ask anything.

REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.

Wait, I...

DON'T COUNT ON IT.

Hang on....whoa. Whoa! Man. A whole lot of pre-judging on that CBC question. Listen, all I want to know is, with that crazy, drive-a-truck-through-it-mandate and a diverse population, can the CBC ever be all things to all people?

MY SOURCES SAY NO.

What about under the Conservatives? How's the CBC going to fare over the life of this government?

OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.

Ulp. Okay. Um. Hey, here's one. License hearings start next year. Everybody's gonna traipse up to the CRTC. Do you think the private broadcasters are just going to try to get out of all their CanCon requirements?

YES.

Just yes? Anything more you can tell us?

YES - DEFINITELY.

That's depressing. Especially since, you know, that whole branding thing -- it seems like in the USA you have cable shows totally trying to distinguish themselves by creating their OWN programming, and nobody here has the stones or the courage to try and do the same thing.

VERY DOUBTFUL.

Think that's ever going to change?

BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.

Wow. You could be a network executive.

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

Okay, last question. Do you think my Don Cherry sitcom idea has any legs?

AS I SEE IT, YES.

You're the best. We should do this more often.

OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.

What's the matter? I hope there's nothing wrong.

DON'T COUNT ON IT.

I'm sorry to hear that. I noticed, your fluid is looking a little leaky. It's not serious, is it?

OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.

Man. That's...well, that's just...hey. Hey. It's not ... Cancer, is it?

MY REPLY IS NO.

Good. Cancer scares the shit out of me. I guess, you're plastic, so it probably wouldn't be cancer.

MY SOURCES SAY NO.

Okay, we're running low on time, so let's go back to the top. Global. Is the bloodletting over?

CANNOT PREDICT NOW.

What do you think the Canadian nets should do about the whole "fee for carriage" thing?

CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.

I'm sure they're doing that.

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

Okay, Magic. It was good to see you. Oh, hey. One more thing. Is Strombo here to stay?

YOU MAY RELY ON IT.

Guest Post: Calming and Still

DMc writes:

Today's guest post comes courtesy of Hidake Komatsu, who is a visiting Professor of Literature and Media Studies at Lakehead University in Thunder Bay. Professor Komatsu's specialty is Poetry, specifically the form of Haiku. Recently, while here, he attended his first CRTC Hearing, and said that the stillness and utter sleepiness of the affair shook him to his core, inspiring him like nothing since his trip to Joshua Tree.

Feel the penny stock
Drip value like Izzy tears
Hold me Goldman Sachs

Brent you leave us now
Dog River is more real than
Lloyd Robertson’s hair

CBC Front Street
Your façade promises much
Canada lives where?

Fear at the crossroads
Creative thinkers needed
Better call L.A.

Paper flutters down
Commission is in session
What do viewers want?

Comb over gavel
Angry French man dissenting
Free money not now

Time slots sprout anew
Homegrown show seeks fertile soil
Saturday at ten

Pretty P.R. Girl
Ponytail flaps with promise
No cover for you

Consider this truth
Shows you buy for their boldness
You will never make

Man in chair at home
Four channels show Knight Rider
How Canadian

Guest Post: Monstrous!

DMc writes:

Today's guest post comes from an old acquaintance. While not exactly friends, per se, Boris was a important influence on my life from a very young age. Until I ran into him at a Starbucks in Orlando last February, I hadn't seen him in years. But from 1971 to 1978, Boris served two terms as the embodiment of all my childhood fears, as the monster in my closet. Having followed my immigrant's path from the South Bronx to Rockland County, New York, to Florida and Canada, Boris was uniquely poised to track and trace the many anxieties that animated me in my most formative years. I've asked him to weigh in on my current locus of terror, the television industry. After some grumbling about the parameters of the terms, he agreed. He writes from his retirement home, a bright and sunny semi-detatched closet in Winter Park, Fla.


Hello. Boris NO LIKE TV......tv today TRASH and not fill with good FUNNY show. Make people laugh. Laugh make people more open to monster and NIGHT TERROR. Night terror GOOD. Monster go YAAGH! and do THAT THING with TEETH AND WAG FINGR. Boy shit bed. Boris laugh. LAUGH GOoD!!!!

Monster LIKE laugh. Good way to UNWIND end of day. WHERE George? George funny with parents who yell all time and say yadda yadda. George PERFECT for Monster. Kid himself into do MANY things. Never work out. Go work and be anxious at Yankees. See BIG MONSTER HEAD STEINBRENNER. Then kill girlfriend with poison stamps. Oh how monster laugh. GOOD TIMES FOR MONSTER!!!

TV today FULL of FLYING CAMERA. KEEP STILL, MONSTER want be SICK. Serious! Also Jack BAUER. Jack bauer attach electrodes and SHOCK people and people SCREAM. Why SCREAM? TV? No. NO SCREAM. Scream at MONSTER. But nooooo. TODAY, people WATCH show PEOPLE CUT UP & DO CREEPY STUFF. Monster jump OUT OF CLOSET and go YAAAGH! and boy keep playing Playstation Portable. WTF? Monster WORKING HERE. Boy not care. Boy watch CSI and CRIMINAL MINDS and JACkASS. Think MONSTER doing KENNY SPENNY.

Monster BLAME TELEVISION. TV Bullshit. And WHAT WITH SAW MOVIES? SERIOUS? Monster not HAVE that kind Special FX budget. GIVE MONSTER break. WOULD it KILL WATCH MORE shows FUNNY like GRACE & GAY GUY? That JACK. That FUNNY GUY. People GO BED happy. MONSTER get jump out and GET PAID.

And WHILE AT IT, let's talk JOSS WHEDON. Joss Whedon new show not good WELL. Network NOT happy. SENDING to FRIDAY NIGHT. You KNOW WHO DO THAT? MONSTERS!!!

That right. BUFFY, ANGEL, all that STAKING and making FUN. ALL THAT TIME. Joss WHEDON enemy of Monster. VANITY card "GRR, ARGH?" end of shows? PLEASE. Boris glad show fail. SUCK IT, JOSS. Monster SNEAK INTO CLOSET of FOX Execs, JUMP OUT whisper "FRIDAY." PAyBACk BITCH.

Joss WHEDON never understand HOW hard be MONSTER. Take CHEAP shots and EASY sTEREOtypes. MESSAGE all good EMPOWER women but what about MONSTER? Stereotype MONSTER no PROBLEM. Noooo. Make MONSTER look stupid. ENJOY FRIDAY NIGHT, WHEDON. YAaaaagHHH!

ALSO, ok WHEN we CALL EACH other monster. NOT YOU. YOU -- call us FICTO-AMERICANS.

While have floor, Boris also WANT talk PROP 8. WTF? California GREAT PLACE for Monster. Lead COUNTRY in PROGRESSIVE and GOOD THINK. Work HARD to help PEOPLE out of CLOSET. Make life better for people, but also MONSTER when CLOSET not QUITE SO CROWDED.

People fear so SIMPLE. Get older, MONSTER YAAAGH! not work. People scare DIE ALONE. Scare not BE ACCEPTED. Scare of LIFE no MEANING. Ritual IMPORTANT not just for PEOPLE. For MONSTER. CHOP PEOPLE UP and feed to RELATIVES, that HURT SOMEBODY. How allow TWO PEOPLE make LIFE COMITTMENT hurt ANYBODY?

Me VISIT YOUR CLOSET you VOTE PROP 8. FINALLY, children MORE SENSE. They NOT SCARE. TEN MORE years, silly FIGHT over. But STILL NOT MAKE IT RIGHT now.

Work for MONSTER today UGLY. Economy SO BAD. F BUSH. He not scarable. All JESUS. Do MONSTER take work GOING TO closet of CRACKER scare of OBAMA cause BLACK? HELL NO. IS two - thousand EIGHT. SMARTEN up. Also, RACIST closet usually FILTHY and full of fleas. JUST SAY.

If MONSTER WANT love OTHER MAN MONSTER, is MONSTER BUSINESS! NO ONE else. Why not JOSS WHEDON do show that? Stop picking on MONSTER!!! And MAKE FUNNNY. That SO HARD? And keep CAMERA STILL. And LESS MUSIC. MUSIC TOO SOPPY!!!!!!

In Close -- Whedon racist against Monsters -- Friday NIGHT payback. TV no good FUNNY go, MONSTER work WAY HARD. Harvey MILK die NOT FOR NOTHING. You PROP 8 ashamed. Look in MIRROR maybe ask yourself who REAL MONSTER?

YAAAAAGH!

Aloy...Aloeha...Byeeieiii!

WELL, THERE IT IS. I'm off down south for a week or so. Gonna read a few books, watch a few sunsets, slack a few slackings.

In the interim, I'll be leaving you in the hand of a very special passel of guest bloggers. Their unique takes on issues related to content, writing, and Canadian Television should, I hope, prove refreshing. Treat 'em nice, everybody, and I'll see you on the flipside.

A L'il Bit o' Monday Pimping: Rent-A-Goalie & Le Border

THANKS MUCH TO the interns from Karen Walton's ink canada Facebook group, who organized a lively and interesting get together of scribes both newly minted and old and dented at a Toronto watering hole yesterday afternoon.

A good time was had by all. I managed to meet one of the principals behind an intriguing show I'd like to know more about, Rabbit Fall, and put a face to the names of many people who have commented here in the past. I was also very happy to be able to introduce my friend Jeff -- a genuine, bonafide fan of Rent-A-Goalie to the redoubtable Graeme Manson, one of the guys who toils so hard to perfect that show's mix of smart whimsy and utter craziness.

On that subject, I encourage you to check out tonight's episode of Rent-A-Goalie (Showcase, 9:30 pm.) The insane world of the goalies of Cafe Primo smacks headlong into the world of professional wrestling, with TNA star Traci Brooks along for the ride. New RAG writer Josh Gal handles the scripting reins and by all accounts, this one's extra crazy.

Also, don't forget that Battlestar Galactica's Grace Park joins the cast of The Border, with tonight's episode. That's on CBC at 9pm. Watch one, tape the other. It's all good.

Style and Grace

ROB SALEM in the Toronto Star has a nice profile of Grace Park, who debuts as Special Agent Liz Carver on Monday's episode of THE BORDER.

"The pace is really fast. You probably have to watch it at least twice before you actually understand what they are saying. You kind of just get the gist ... you're riding the wave, but you don't really know what wave you are riding."

Born in L.A., but a Vancouver resident since the age of 2, Park is once again the transplanted American in her new role as Liz Carver, a Toronto-based U.S. homeland security agent all the way from Idaho.

"She's a good girl," she says, immediately putting considerable distance between it and her interim TV role – filmed as she was wrapping up Battlestar – as sassy sexpot intervention agent Akani Cuesta on the initial season of A&E's The Cleaner.

"(Carver's) dad is a Methodist preacher," she reveals. "You kind of find that out along the way. She had three brothers, so she kind of knows how to hold her own. She was the girl of the family, so she also obviously knows how to be feminine. But she doesn't want to be a guy.

"The girl is ambitious. She loves this job. She wants to do good at it, and she works her way up.

"But when the other characters are, like, `Tell Her Highness that we're ready,' you have an idea of how they see her."

This is the episode that my special guest blogger Will Pascoe talked about a few weeks back.

For those of you who care about such things, this was actually shot a bit out of sequence because of availability of our waterfront studio. So though it's the first onscreen appearance of Grace as Liz Carver, it's actually the second episode she shot.

Isn't TV magic?

Obama-era TV

ME AND JIAN discuss how TV might change under Obama. Paging the zeitgeist. Right after the awesome song by Serena Ryder.

Also, I find it disturbing that CNN's Campbell Brown seems to consistently think exactly what I think. Because, um, if we're going to share a brain anyway, why does she get to be the pretty one?

You are the ones who supposedly vetted her, and then told the American people she was qualified for the job. You are the ones who after meeting her a couple of times, told us she was ready to be just one heartbeat away from the Presidency. If even half of what you say NOW is true, then boy, did you try to sell the American people a bill of goods. If Sarah Palin is the reason some voters chose Barack Obama, that is no one's fault but your own. John McCain, as he so graciously said himself the other night, lost this election. He lost it with your help, your advice, your guidance, and yes, your running mate recommendations. And that is crystal clear to everyone, no matter how hard you try to blame Sarah Palin or anyone else.

Fork.

SO TONIGHT IS the wrap party for Season 2 of The Border. And with that, I shift from production writer mode back into the standard warren of the freelancer. From moldy office back to cluttered solarium. From jeans back to sweatpants. From [too much information,] back to [too much information]. I'm lucky. I have a couple of projects on the go that I can segue straight into. It'll be fun inventing worlds again instead of trying to replicate or reflect a vision that isn't necessarily your own.

I've told the same story to a couple of friends now, that Wednesday I walked around feeling all weird, and didn't know why, and sure -- there was a bit of Obama-induced-hangover in that mix -- but I realized mainly that what I was feeling was...rested.

I'd slept through the night for, like, five whole nights. In a row.

But ill winds still must blow. And one of the gusts over the transom was a really odd piece by John Doyle this week, that started out about the CRTC decision on unbundling, and no carriage fees, and then segued into the uselessness of the Geminis. What was odd was that right there, on the way, there was this strange little drive by:

Thing is, see, a lot of people who work in Canadian television - producing, writing, directing and acting in Canadian-made TV - spend a lot of time complaining about the lack of attention they get. They complain about Canadian broadcasters making money from simulcasting U.S. network shows. They complain about everything. Yet, in the case of their own awards program, they are happy to let the thing roll out in relative obscurity. It seems to me that they're perfectly happy talking to each other, reading each other's blogs, whining and telling each other how great they are.

Here's a piece of advice - get out of the house, stop blogging and reading blogs for a while. Leave the Facebook pages alone for a few days. Go talk to people who watch TV, not just the ones who make it. You'll probably find that very few of them have heard of your shows. You might also find that they're willing to watch if they hear that the show is really great. And they know it's great if it gets awards and attention. So get cracking on fixing your awards show.

Um. Well. Okay.

I confess, not really sure how to react on that one. And luckily I don't have to. Jim Henshaw has done so. And this seems to be new Jim. Jim is all restrained and stuff. It's weird. Perhaps he's gotten some rest, too.

What has gotten to me over the last while is the tension of trying to be in the industry and of the industry, and discussing the industry. There are plenty o' people who'll come up to me and offer wonderful unsolicited advice about what I should write, or write about. You even see it in the comments here, sometimes. Gradually, too, it seems that the substantive discussion has moved from my comments to my inbox. Everyone wants to dish the dirt -- just not where people can see.

Oh I get that. I do. That's the problem, you see.

The amount that I know that I can actually write about has been dropping pretty steadily for more than a year. It's been a weird summer in Canadian TV. If you're in the soup, you know what I'm talking about. There's heap big trouble down at mill. And to be honest, the solutions are problematic at best. More and more it seems that there are elements, stuff that I believe that I just can't say.

And that makes me wonder if this is just the natural lifecycle of someone going from outsider with nothing to lose to insider. I don't feel like an insider. It's ... weird. It makes me feel uncomfortable. You know, in my bathingsuit area.

This is a blog, not a journalistic outlet. And I'm confident enough saying what I say knowing that the utter lack or renumeration keeps it honest. But you should know that if you're looking for unvarnished truth here, you're probably not going to find it. I guess that's inevitable. The further down the road you go the more you have to lose.

So what I'm saying is, uh...stop asking. You want to be Deep Throat? Blogger can have you up and running in five minutes. My goal's the same. Try to help like-minded people create TV they're proud of, and shows they actually want to watch. Try to improve things for writers throughout this industry through dialogue, discussion, inspiration and attention to craft.

So, as I contemplate that shift from production writing back to development, I think maybe it's a natural time to take a fork, again. You'll probably start seeing more posts about craft and craft-related matters here, and less about the industry as a whole. That's where my head will be at as I start to work out new characters and stories and series ideas. Maybe I'll even finally be able to watch a bit more TeeVee. I'm down to a few hours a week now. It seems wrong, somehow. Like an Opera Singer who never practices and just listens to AC/DC.

One more thing. In his piece, Jim talks about the outreach and education efforts being undertaken by Karen Walton at inkcanada. I think community building is important, and informal and formal mentoring...and maybe some of those meetings with people just getting into the business is going to make their path through things easier than it was for me, or for some of the other bloggers and tv writers out there. I think that's a worthwhile goal. Your mileage may vary.

In any case, it's what I can offer. Hope you like it. And if you don't, I of course offer you a full refund, no questions asked.

Now. Where's that wrap party invite...?

Madder

BY THE WAY, interesting to see that in our latest totally non-scientific poll on the sidebar, just under half of the people who responded indicated that they wouldn't watch a Mad Men that wasn't steered by creator Matthew Weiner.

So there.

Logrolling Roundup: Nerdity, Press, and The Q

FRIENDS OF MINE from my days at Canada's SPACE channel have started a nifty new venture, a portal called Hardcore Nerdity which is worth checking out. (It's in the sidebar.) Yesterday they met with me along with Toronto Star Televsision Writer Rob Salem at an undisclosed location. (Okay, Okay, it was actually the Dominion on Queen Street East) to do an edition of their podcast.

The topic of discussion was the U.S. Election and its coverage, Presidents real and fictional, Canadian TeeVee and Michael Crichton.

Meanwhile, we're now at the point where I give interviews about stuff and totally forget I've done it. I think this one was from awhile back though, so that's probably why I missed it. Cassandra Szklarski compares and contrasts three prairie-set Canadian comedies, Less Than Kind, Corner Gas, and Little Mosque on the Prairie.

Interesting fact: so far as I know there's one guy I know who's worked on all three: Comedy Dynamo Rob Sheridan. Rob, as anyone who's ever met him can attest, is a veritable son of the open field. A corn fed, prairie loving, small town man of the people. Yessir. If you want to know what "real, rural Canadians" are thinkin' -- Sheridan's your man.

Anyway, here's a bit of my blather from the article:

Identifying the reasons for a boost in Prairie programming seems just as hard to nail down. McKinney suggests a ramped up rivalry among provinces trying to attract TV productions while McGrath posits larger forces at work.

"You've got to talk about what cycle you're in and things go in cycles," says McGrath, whose writing credits include "The Border," "Rent-A-Goalie," and "Across The River To Motor City."

"Right now, there are no shows that are really set in the Maritimes, whereas if you go back on Canadian TV screens maybe seven, eight years ago, there were like three or four series that were supposed to be coming out of Newfoundland."

He argues that today's political and economic climate encourages a shift away from shows set in Toronto, Vancouver or Montreal, especially in light of recent upswings in Western provinces.

"It's the place where all the money is, it's the place where the oil is and it's in many ways, the economic engine," he says, singling out Calgary as a new locus for the country.

"And then when you go to some of the other places in the heartland of the country ... it's not so different."

By the way, that's really true. I often posit larger forces at work.

Next, that Rick Mercer Report segment from the set of The Border is finally up on the YouTube. This is my favorite TV cameo ever because I'm mercifully, finally silent. And I love stories on how the gak works. Oh, and Director Brett Sullivan is dreamy. I said it. Please, to enjoy:



Finally, if you were so inclined, you could always tune in CBC Radio's Q tomorrow, where sometime in the 2nd hour I'll be talking about what President-Elect Obama, and the shift in U.S. culture he represents, might mean for the kinds of TeeVee you'll see coming your way soon. That's Q at its new time: 10am on CBC Radio.

Oh Say Can You See

YOU ARE THE NATION that I dream of.

You are the better angels of our nature. You bind up our wounds.

You judge the content of our character.

You are, finally, completely, the place where it is morning, always. You are the city on the hill.

No matter what the cost, you have a thousand points of light to guide you, and you will fear nothing but fear itself.

And I'm goddamn proud to stand with you.

Yes. We can.

And in the words of one of your better (fictional) presidents:

"What's next?"

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House – a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn – I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world – our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.