SOMETIMES THE GLEE with which which I greet the news is completely unbidden.
The CRTC approved a bunch of new discretionary channels this week. Some are predictable and YAWN-y. Like Rogers Baseball TV -- real exciting sounding right? The sad thing is I'll probably get that one.
But I want you to think back of the fooferal that recently came down the pike about the Government's games with Bill C10. Buddy Boy Charles McVety clucking on and on about the horribly unwholesome tax credits extended to movies like YOUNG PEOPLE FUCKING.
Think, too, on Jim Shaw, Fatuous Gasbag and High School Chum of Prime Minister Shiny Hair, and his terrible pique over the disgusting and inappropriate antics of the Trailer Park Boys.
Think on those things as I tell you about the other new channel they approved: Northern Peaks.
Northern Peaks is, drumroll, please..."Canada's first adult video channel offering significant Canadian adult content."
The CRTC definitely did their job here, though, because they have required that Northern Peaks (get it? heh heh get it?) spend ONE MILLION DOLLARS on original programming in its first year of operation.
Other flies in the Canadian broadcast ointment will be undoubtedly pleased to know that the CRTC also demanded all the programming on this channel be close captioned. Thank heaven for that.
So, yeah, while your head is spinning -- your government doesn't want to be involved with YPF or icky movies or TV shows that might, you know, involve the gays or people doing morally questionable things...
But they WILL encourage that thing that we were ALL CLAMORING FOR...
..A DOMESTIC PORN INDUSTRY.
Because, damnit, we Canadians don't get hepped up unless everybody's really pasty.
It's comforting to know that if the whole rest of the industry goes in the tank, because of government and regulatory idiocy, maybe I can get work as a fluffer. I'm sure I'd be a good fluffer.
Oh, wait, you want more? One little nugget more? Okay. Here you go.
You know how every time there's an article that talks about the arts and etc, etc, all the trog complaints about "myyy txxxx dllllrrRRRS" seem to echo loudest from one particular province? You know, with the oil and stuff?
Well, guess who owns "Northern Peaks?" A numbered company based in....you got it... Alberta.
Say it with me, kids...
"Ma'am, I'm here to clean the pool..."
shwwakkka-wakkka-wakkka-wakka
H/T to Magee.
22 comments:
Apparently Girotti was correct in his assessment of what the CRTC wants us making. And good on them for ensuring work opportunities for Canadian porn stars. Actors and writers, not so much...but...
Just one question though -- how does the 50% rule apply to threesomes?
Are they going to need to create a new Cancon point sytem to cover that as well? 2 points for a Canadian star, 3 if they're on top, that kind of thing?
I can't wait to see the report from that committee.
You know, a hundred years from now, it's possible that Canada's greatest achievement may be seen to be the bureaucratization of pornography.
Awesome.
So the Tories like Canadian artists, so long as they're getting f***ed?
"So the Tories like Canadian artists, so long as they're getting f***ed?"
Sir. Brilliant. Take a bow, seriously.
You just damn near killed me with that line :P (Got broccoli caught in my sinuses now...)
All I've gotta say is: That'll be the easiest $5 I'll ever make.
INT. POORLY LIT ROOM
A knock on the door.
STUD
Ma'am did you order a Beaver Tail?
They have kinky sex in every possible, concieveable position.
THE END.
I'm a little confused by a term used in the G&M article. What exactly is "human-interest programming?" And do you have examples of programming that is of no interest to humans?
Brandon, I've read your script, and I love it. Everybody loves it. I just have one small note:
1) Does the room need to be poorly lit?
"...And do you have examples of programming that is of no interest to humans?"
American Gladiators?
Can hardly wait for the government to use this as an example of why tax dollars should not be poured into film and television.
I am beginning to believe in conspiracies.
You have me laughing uncontrollably at this moment.
I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!
Terminology that takes on new meaning:
"Ten minutes to Golden hour"
"I need a 4X over here..." (say it out loud)
"Full apple"
"I'm ready for my close up Mister Demille (or is that Deville?)"
Gimme an open face blonde over here to make the background pop."
So... like.... uh... Who do we pitch stories to?
As if "Northern Exposure" wouldn't have been a better name. CBS isn't using it anymore...
But it's *straight* porn. There's nothing amoral about *straight* porn.
So long as them gay folks are nowhere near by it's totally okay to support.
*facepalm*
The arts funding in this country is starting to completely baffle me.
Two words...Train 69.
"Brandon, I've read your script, and I love it. Everybody loves it. I just have one small note:
1) Does the room need to be poorly lit?"
It's all about setting the mood. ;)
Other hit shows to look forward to:
Intelligences: Reworked from the ground up for an 'adult' audience. Following the sexy adventures of a Canadian stripper as she tries to pass her GED tests.
The Boarder: The sexy adventures of a hot Canadian Immigrant and the scorching love triangle between his flowering young housemate and his burly Immigrations Officer.
Little Sl*t on the Prairie: The sexy adventures of a busty Regina Farm girl as she explores her sexuality, proving once and for all that not everything is 'flat' in the prairies.
Oh man... I could do this all day...
Tho' I'm holding out for "You Can't Screw That on Television!"
"You can't screw that on Canadian television!" WEEPING with laughter. Deb, conspiracies? or confederation of self-defeating dunces?! I can't wait to see us all cite this channel in our next CPAC appearances. I myself will be sporting the maple-flavor edible thong. Just to make my presentation you know undeniably reflective of 100%, 10/10 CanCon...
"You Can't Screw That On Television" is also a perfect venue for product placement.
Come on...green slime = what water based space age lubricant?
Let's go 2.0 on their asses, people?
I need to be thinking about my final Border episode for the season, but why is it I can't stop composing "artist's impact" statements in my head?
Dear Northern Peaks,
I never thought it would happen to me, a young boy from a small town in Ontario...but there it was....
Or seriously, let's really be Canadian about it. Let's do a reality porn thing -- Vancouver vs. Calgary vs. Tronnna -- and whichever team wins gets to PEG THE OTHERS.
Can the Gemini Award for "Best Sex Scene" be far behind?
Booyah!
... And the Gemini for best Fake Orgasm on a snowmobile goes to...
elize,
"But it's *straight* porn. There's nothing amoral about *straight* porn.
So long as them gay folks are nowhere near by it's totally okay to support."
Bearing in mind that the obligatory girl-girl scene isn't really gay of neither of them are reallt lesbians. Then it's okay.
Denis, the image of you working as a fluffer caused my testicles to run shrieking back into my body.
god...thank you for the visuals and the laughs...but hey who knows someone deep dark and stinky that can source out the owners of that "numbered company"...I smell a church of conservatives in the equation...
Hmmmm tax dollars HARD at work....
better call Studly do-me-right...
and hey Brandon...great script...distilled down to the bare essence...brilliant!
Chocolate Starfishgate.
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