What Happens At The Awards, Stays At The Awards

OKAY, BITCHES.

I'm tired of wonking and policy and all that shiite.

I want lots of laughs and a few dirty jokes and a whole lot of uh huh and you know and heh heh and hey that other thing.

If you're one of the lucky ones to have scored a ducat to the utterly, profoundly, scarily and irrevocably sold out Canadian Screenwriting Awards at Brant House in Downtown Toronto tonight, all I can say to you is, "Excelsior." You are a gangster. I hereby move you as an honorary or, in point of fact, actual member of the Canadian Writer Mafia.

Secondly, there are a number of things that, well, may be hard to explain to the novice, and/or the outside world. There are things that you just must accept on faith.

Among these things:

1. That lamb had it coming.
2. The disoriented wait staff are used to a better looking and dumber group.
3. Don't stare at the defibrulator tech. You might need him.
4. Tequila is an appropriate first drink. Who are you to judge?
5. Gavin Crawford is not the boy who sent people to the cornfield.
6. The bathroom attendant is not hitting on you.
7. Yes, yes, those kids writing animation are way more lithe than they have a right to be, you need to get over it.
8. Don't make fun of radio drama unless you've listened to it.
9. Network executives are very, very susceptible to being plied with free alcohol. Just saying.
10. Karen. Motherfucking. Walton.
11. Make sure to talk to every writer you see from Corner Gas and ask, "so, got anything lined up?"
12. Do not look Peter Mohan directly in the eye. That's exactly what he's looking for and it will not end well.
13. Oh yeah. Same with Heaton.
14. Give the Montreal people some love. You know they have that whole Toronto thing going on. And they feel strangely naked without their smoked meat.
15. "That's what she said" is only appropriate as a comeback if, in fact, you're quoting The Office.
16. If you're in a conversation, and the subject drifts to the following: Breaking Bad, Robot Chicken, In Treatment, The Wire Season 5, Durham County, Little Mosque Season 2, Jekyll, Life on Mars, Ashes To Ashes, Sabattical -- under no circumstances do you admit that you haven't seen these shows.
17. She's drunk. She's not into you.
    
18. Oh, she works for Rogers? Shit, boy, that's all you had to say! {Please note: joke also works with Canwest Global and TMN. Strangely, it does not work with CBC.}
19. Maureen Parker likes it when you call her, "Dutch."
20. Yes. That is my hand. How you doin?
    

Good luck to all the nominees. Have a fun night! Please take a cab and don't drink and drive. And stay low. Jim Shaw could be anywhere.