And Then Later I Invite Them Over To Bowl

THIS WILL probably only be funny to the fourteen people out there who have seen There Will Be Blood.

As it sits with me, the movie doesn't exactly grow in my estimation, but there is that undeniable, crazy visceral performance by Daniel Day-Lewis. And a great part of that character, I'm convinced, is the loving specificity of the rhythms of his speech. A few days later, and I've still got that voice rattling around in my brain pan. There's a couple scenes where Daniel Plainview is making his pitch -- and the timbre and control, the charisma and the buried menace of it, the sheer force of it is truly spellbinding. I find myself wanting to appropriate that voice, somehow -- to use it in my own attempts to peddle snake oil.

What would that look like?

Well...I imagine...something...like....this:

"You see, I am a TELEVISION WRITER. And I wish to speak to you today about WRITING FOR TELEVISION. There are those who will say they can craft you a pilot, and that may VERY WELL be TRUE. But can they get you to SIXTY EPISODES? Can they craft a decent ACT BREAK? Will they rely on a creaky FOUR ACT structure, or have they mastered FIVE? It is THESE QUESTIONS you must consider.

I have a six episode strike over at the former CHUM, you see. I have had meetings with executives both HIGH and LOW. You could go with someone from the Film Centre, or someone who's developed a CANADIAN FEATURE, yes, about a man having sex with his GRANDMOTHER. But only I can have the FIRST DRAFT and the BIBLE for your series by APRIL. I can do it, I can have it, and I can make it exciting, with explosions and sexual interplay. YOU can GO WITH SOMEONE ELSE, that is your right. BUT you CANNOT say that you were not PRESENTED with the option to skip all that; to just DEVELOP WITH ME.

I await your decision. I will sit here and calmly wax my mustache. Please don't mind my son, J.W. He will be stepping out momentarily to procure a SMOOTHIE.

NOW, what is for LUNCH?"