I Killed In The Line

YOU ALWAYS KNOW when Alex Epstein is calling. That's because your phone rings, and your cell phone rings, and you get an email almost simultaneously. Seriously. When Mr. Crafty Screenwriting wants to get ahold of you -- he means stat. It makes one kind of feel like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters. I'm surprised I didn't immediately start sculpting a giant "I Support The WGA" sign out of mashed potatoes.

Alex was calling last night (and I'm sorry Alex, for dodging your call) to try and figure out if I'd come up with any catchy slogans for the line today. I hadn't. My bad.

Little did I know that I'd be facing much the same question, for real, 12 hours later. Today, of course, was the International Day of Solidarity in Support of the striking members of the Writers Guild of America. Over a hundred writers marched in Toronto in support of the WGA's efforts to secure a fair deal on Internet rights from the AMPTP. The Toronto writers were joined at the demo (outside the Sony Centre for the Performing Arts) by members of ACTRA, the Canadian Actors' Union, the Writers Union of Canada, and the Canadian Media Guild.

A similarly sized crowd -- English and French, marched and demonstrated in Montreal, where it was much colder. And similar demos took place all over the world -- Australia, Ireland, France, and England. Writers everywhere recognize the importance of the sea change facing our industry. We who face the blank page are well acquainted with staring into the abyss. And though we're a fractious lot, there's a certain unanimity in facing down an opposition who wants to pay you nothing for the product that essentially starts with you.

But Goddamn, son, none of that high falutin talk helps you when you're out there walking around in a circle in dead silence. That's what it was like for the first five minutes. You know, we Canadians, we're a reticent lot. So, someone tried out a desultory "Stop Corporate Greed Now," or something like that. But face it, droogs, we're not going up against Monsanto or Martin Marietta here (although G.E. is a defence contractor...hmmm) so that fell a little short. I floated one: "Internet/DVD/Don't Ask Us to Write for Free." Not bad for a first draft. But you know, walkin round and round in a big circle, the thing is, those slogans? They get old pretty fast. So it was, walking furiously, trying to come up with something sung. "C'mon Denis," somebody said. "Come up with another one."

Can I remind you for a moment that this is a group of one hundred writers? Did I miss the part where I was elected to do all the free writing needed everywhere in the Country? This blog, demonstration chants, seriously, you need a prescription written, give me a day and I'll see what I can do.

But the new chants weren't coming, no matter what I tried. Naturally. Open big, then hit a dry spell. I tried going for a "Pay us fair, Right is right" and then followed by something about "or you'll have to go home and talk to your wife tonight." But that didn't seem particularly egalitarian, I couldn't make the scansion work, and I couldn't shake the suspicious feeling that I was stealing an old Henny Youngman bit.

The thing is, walking around, cold, carrying a sign, traffic around you, weird TV cameras and photographers prodding you for the get -- man, this is not the way to spitball. Where's the couch? The gummy bears? The corn chips? Seriously, guys, can we just talk about The Simpsons or Battlestar Galactica for five minutes and try to get our bearings?

But this is the thing, when you're a pro, you gotta do what you gotta do. I shifted gears. We needed a song. Something Full Metal Jacket-y. Why not? People are entirely too cavalier going for that war metaphor in describing the fight for internet rights anyway...why not steal from basic training?

So I came up with a quick framework:

I don't know but I've been told.

(classic start. Good.)

The internet is paved with gold.

(Topical. Aces.)

Now they say that they won't pay --

(Hey, this is easier than a chant. This is really cooking.)

But then: boom. Brick wall. I did the fifteen year old poetry thing. You know, cruise through the alphabet, a -- eh? No, too cute. Bay, Cay, Day, Fay, Gay....wait a min...no, no, no that's just asking to be misinterpreted, stay on point. Jay, Lay, May, Nay, this is hopeless.

I think I did an interview leaning on my sign.

By the time I'd returned to the line, Jeremy Boxen (Falcon Beach) had come up with our sell line,

"It's colder here than in L.A."

So that became the official Toronto chant. And believe me, it was funny because it was true. And yes, I know the comedy writers out there will point out that the setup was all wrong, that the punchline didn't follow and the construction is way sloppy...but damnit, everything in Canada is about the weather. And anway, Jeez, if you're gonna pick pick pick the minutae -- I mean, do you think they gave Lincoln this much guff at Gettysburg?

You learn a lot walking around in a circle talking to the same people over and over. For once and for all, the difference was firmly established between Toronto-based writers Lara McKinnon and Anne Fenn (who's got a very funny piece in this Month's Walrus Magazine) Anne is kooky. Lara is quirky.

Also seen on the line...Don Ferguson, (Air Farce)...Big time showrunners Peter Mohan (Blood Ties) and David Barlow, (The Border, Blue Murder) (at left) Aaron Martin and Karen McClellan, (The Best Years) Screenwriter/Playwrights Mike McPhaden and Jason Sherman, Brenda Greenburg, Sean Jara, Karen Hill, Jennifer Cowan, Claire Ross Dunn, Shelley Eriksen, (Blood Ties, Shania) (In fact, Blood Ties fans, you missed a good portion of the writing staff of the show -- even book author Tanya Huff made the trip in from the country to the demo!)

Fellow bloggeristas Henshaw and Golick were there (Golick was one of the main organizers of the event, along with the irrepressible crew from the WGC: Executive Director Maureen Parker, Kelly Lynne Ashton, Laurie Channer, David Kinahan and President RebeccaSchecter)

Best of all, there was a strong contingent of new and emerging writers who are probably going to spend a significant portion of their careers writing for the internet: Heather Jackson, Sarah Glinski, John Callaghan, Cole Bastedo -- a lot of young faces for whom this fight isn't theoretical at all. They'll feel the heat of what's to come hotter than the rest of us.

So we made some noise, we marched in a circle, we did a little monkey dance for the cameras. Sugith Varughese worked the camera for our video. Maureen tried to get me to come up with more slogans. (I tried, Maureen, I tried.) I collected some nice words from people about Across The River To Motor City. I resisted the urge to self-deprecate. I got to meet print writers I read, like Gemma Files and, finally, Jaime Weinman from Macleans.

And then a bunch of us landed in at Shopsy's. Classy act award goes to Brandon, a guy who's trying to break in who bought coffee for Peter and Jim and breakfast for me. Smart guy, Brandon. No flies on him.

(Of course we rewarded him with hair curling stories about the real industry. That's right, kids. The Too Hot For TeeVee truths that never even make it into this blog. Not in a million years.)

It was at that little table that we tried the best we could to reach for the metaphor for our little industry. For as much as things look shakier for the WGA right now -- it could always be worse. You could be in Canada. Sometimes it's all about just reaching for the right metaphor:

"It's worse than hurry up and wait."

"It's more like a race...but, it's a bad race..."

"A race between between a snail and a turtle."

"No...not a turtle."

"A retarded chicken."

"A headless, retarded chicken."

"Perfect."

"That's the Canadian industry right there. It's like a race between a snail and a headless, retarded chicken."

Solidarity forever, Bitches!

UPDATE: Full Circle. Alex Epstein reports from the Montreal march, where not only did they have slogans, they had slogans in two languages. And he got interviewed en Francais! Not just Crafty, folks. Le Crafty. Tres Jaloux. (Anybody who blogged about any of the other marches in other cities, let me know and I'll throw up a link.)