Writer On The Set!

EVERY ONCE in a while, you have to drop a scene. And sometimes when you drop a scene, you try to get it the next day. But sometimes that requires you to rewrite said scene for a new location. But you can't rewrite the scene til the director signs off on the new location. But the director can't sign off on the new location until he sees what you've got in mind, or picks a new one. Conundrum.

So it is that you become the most useless carbunkle in the world -- the writer on the set.

Not a "Writer - Producer" mind you -- at least then you could bitch about how much this is costing. Just a writer.

Here's a fun little diary for you.

1. 0630 Print out map and call sheet.
2. 0701 Starbucks
3. 0705 Gas
4. 0710 On the Road; map in lap
5. 0726 Brake hard; map goes flying
6. 0727 Can't reach map; decide to wing it
7. 0800 Crew Call
   
8. 0805 Get off Highway
9. 0810 Where the fuck am I?
10. 0811 Fish out map; nearly die
11. 0812 Oooh! Cones! Never Mind. Oohh! New Ryan Adams song.
12. 0814 Back on track
13. 0818 Find entrance to set on farm; have to go park at base camp
14. 0820 Not basecamp. They are selling pies here, though. And they look delicious. Ponder that.
15. 0821 Go to ski resort that's supposed to be basecamp.
16. 0822 I am the only human for miles. Shit.
17. 0825 Cones! Cones! I'm OK.
18. 0828 On shuttle to set
19. 0832 Arrive on set; no one cares
20. 0850 Ask for and receive headphones to watch shooting of scene
21. 0902 Already bored
22. 0910 Actor calls me, "Hemingway." Am momentary mollified.
23. 0911-0930 Contemplate that the real Hemingway eventually grew so bored and despondent that he shot his face off. Worry about the next outline I have to write.
    
24. 0930 Something hot with bacon is on the craft table. Must resist.
25. 0931 Come on. Get serious.
26. 0932 Mmm. Bacon.
27. 0940 I have never been this bored ever.
28. 0950 Go with second A.D. down to area to try and see if Director's idea to make the lake look like a creek will work.
29. 0952 Um. That looks a lot like a lake. What am I walking in, here? Is that poison ivy?
30. 0954 Smack mosquito. Blood goes everywhere. We're talking end of Carrie, here.
31. 0955 Still a lake. This isn't going to work.
32. 0958 Find interesting copse of cedar trees. This looks pretty cool.
33. 1005 Climb into minivan to head back to set
34. 1008 Have to reverse back down the road because they're carting in a small float plane for the scene at the lake.
    
35. 1011 Still reversing. I may be sick.
36. 1012 Still reversing. Oh. God.
37. 1013 Okay. Good. I'm okay. Back to set.
38. 1020 Kibbitz with actor while they re-light or something. Am asked what the name of the actor who played Tubbs on Miami Vice was. Answer with confidence: Philip Michael Johnson.
39. 1028 Shit. It's Philip Michael Thompson, isn't it?
40. 1033 Is it Johnson or Thompson?
41. 1034 This is the first time in about ten years I haven't had the internet. I'm freaking out.
42. 1044 Thomas. Philip Michael Thomas.
43. 1046 Director yells "CUT." They have to adjust something.
44. 1047 Go tell actor it's "Thomas." Am very proud of myself. Actor does not seem to care. I surmise that he has in all likelihood moved on.
45. 1053 Third bottle of water. I am not peeing in a porta potty.
    
46. 1055 Watch the actors run the scene. The woman playing the grieving widow getting the news of her husband's death is beautiful, vulnerable, lovely. The acting is really good in this scene. Wow, it plays really well and they're really nailing it. And there's a baby in the scene (one of two twins, natch) and he coos or cries almost on cue. This is awesome.
47. 1104 Two takes later. I'm bored again. But the baby sure is cute.
48. 1115 Director has a moment before the next setup to go down to set to check out the possible location for the new scene. Awesome!
49. 1120 Director arrives at the set he'll be shooting at this afternoon. The plane's being set up by the crane. There is too much ammo in the little lean-to. The camo is too thick on the tent. He wants it turned around.
50. 1126 They want him back on set...wait..it's just over ther---Shit.
51. 1130 Decide to take a flyer, rewrite scene anticipating Director will love the new location.
52. 1136 You're kidding me. I've been here over three hours, and that just took three minutes. Longhand! Why didn't I stretch that out? What am I going to do now?
    
53. 1145 I have not been this bored since I laid down on the floor of Huffman Koos furniture store in Nanuet, NY when I was five years old, and my parents were shopping for a couch for like, six hours. I can't kick and scream like I did then because a) I am nearly 40 years old and b) It would just blow the take and make things longer.
54. 1154 Take transport up the hill to where I can get a cell phone signal. Call production office to dictate rewritten scene to Story Coordinator.
55. 1155 Bee! There's a Bee in the van!
56. 1156 Fuck Bee, that's a motherfucking wasp! I am getting the fuck out of this van!
57. 1158 Transport guy kills Wasp. Story Coordinator is still laughing at me over the phone. He will have to die.
58. 1207 At basecamp, waiting for the Fax of the new scene to come through.
59. 1215 Still no fax. Stupid story coordinator. Play bullshit game on my cellphone.
60. 1220 Actor who's supposed to play scene tells me how much she loved it when it came through yesterday. Heh heh. Uh, yeah! Shit. No pressure.
    
61. 1230 Back on set. Scene in pocket. They're moving stuff. I try to sit on a flatbed truck because it's the only place I know I'll be out of the way.
    
62. 1238 I have to move. Console myself with chicken salad wrap.
63. 1242 More shooting. More takes.
64. 1250 They wrap grieving widow, and everyone claps. Am very pleased to join in on this set ritual, since clapping is something I'm very good at. I feel a momentary unity of time, place, and vocation.
65. 0100 We've moved down to the Beach, but I still can't show the Director my new location because he has to block the next scene.
66. 0105 People everywhere around me are working. This is excruciating.
67. 0107 I am being eaten alive by mosquitos. I have very tasty blood. I have been told this before, believe it or not.
    
68. 0128 Grab D.O.P. to try and show HIM my location.
69. 0129 First A.D. yells that I can have Director.
70. 0134 Show Director great location. Walk him through rewritten scene. D.O.P. points out it'll be dark in here end of day. Heart sinks. Try not to process white-hot hate for D.O.P.
    
71. 0138 Director likes field with tall reeds. Can we rewrite the rewrite for a field? Yes. Yes we can.
72. 0145 Back at base camp. Sit down to rewrite scene.
73. 0147 C'mon. You're kidding! Really? I've, like, had a birthday here while I was waiting!
    
74. 0148 Dictate scene over the phone to Story Coordinator.
75. 0151 Story Coordinator reads it back to me. It's gold.
    
76. 0154 Fax of new scene comes through. Hand it off.
77. 0155 Back in my car listening to Amy Winehouse, heading for the Office.
78. 0157 Thomas. Thomas. Philip Michael Thomas.
79. 0158 Realize that I have committed the most serious professional sin a writer on set can ever commit: I have left before lunch.
    

Time on set: Approx 5 hours.
Time spent working: Approx 12 minutes.

* All times are not necessarily exactly to scale. I'm estimating most of them -- it's not like I wrote them down.

No one is that bored.

EDIT: sadly, there's one more entry to be made:

80. 1030 Find out that they ran out of light, and dropped the scene.


But you saw that coming, didn't you?