Guest blog: By My Pal Satan, Dennis Heaton

I CAN THINK of no better or worthy guest blogger than my nomengrumpenfuhrer, DENNIS HEATON. In the Canadian TV business, he is the heat. I am merely the sauce. [That pitch is copyrighted so don't even try.] The rarely photographed, extremely paranoid, xenophobic polyatheist Heaton emerged from his germ-free, high security compound, where he's currently finishing his latest project, the worthily evil webseries, My Pal Satan, to file this report exclusively for y'all.

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[At right: this incredibly rare dagerotype shows Canadian Producer, horror enthusiast, Screenwriter (Fido, Blood Ties, jPOD) and pork products marketer Dennis Heaton, moments before his assasination at the hands of noted unfunny comic anarchist Leno Czolgsoz, at the Banff TV Festival in 1872. The MY PAL SATAN creator's last words, reportedly, were, "Oh, there is no way I'm going to pay for the drycleaning with this shit." Photo courtesy Archives of the Ziggurat/Hellmouth society of Travisville, B.C.]

I am not Denis McGrath.

This happens to me a lot when I'm at some kind of film event (either a WGC party or somewhere else I've managed to sneak into). I'll either be introduced or introduce myself to someone... "hi, I'm Dennis Heaton."

And they'll look at me and, with a sniff of disdain, say "oh, yes -- the one with the blog."

They always manage to spit out the word "blog," as if it's a red tide oyster they've had the misfortune of consuming. More like blorrrrrg. or blaaahhhhhggggg.

To which, I always smile politely and say "no... you're thinking of the other Denis. Denis McGrath." And then I go into great lengths to explain how I am not Denis McGrath. How I live in Vancouver and he lives in Toronto. How we've worked on a show together (Blood Ties), so maybe that's where their confusion is coming from, and then I usually drink my beverage as quickly as possible, feign the need to go to the bar or bathroom and then leave.

Oh, I can understand the confusion. Sometimes, I can even empathize with it. I mean, we're both named Den(n)is, we're both writers, and we both consume vast quantities of bourbon. Sometimes in the same room.

But still, it's annoying. On several levels. And those are:

1) I am not Denis McGrath.

Don't get me wrong. I love the guy. Think he's fabulous. Have impure thoughts from time to time, but -- once more for the cheap seats -- I am not him. If I could be any other Den(n)is instead of the one that I am, I'd be him.

Okay that's a lie -- my first choice would be Dennis Quaid or maybe Hopper -- or Rodman if I'm feeling particularly zesty -- but McGrath is in the top ten.

2) What the is your problem with his blog anyway?

Whenever this mistaken identity thing happens, it is without fail that the person making this mistake obviously has some kind of issue with Denis' writing. It's got to do with the way they say "oh yes, the one with the blaaaahhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggg" like they're trying to remove a hairball.

It's a blog, folks. It's one man's opinion. It's less than a "manifesto," but more than a "grocery list." Granted, most of the time I happen to agree with that opinion, but if I don't -- and more importantly, if you don't -- post a comment. Because...

3) I don't care what you think about his blog.

This is the other thing that happens. I tell the person that I'm not the Den(n)is they're thinking of, and they then go "oh..." and nine times out of ten continue to tell me what their problem is with Denis, his blog, and free speech in general.

This is when I swill back my drink, lie about my tiny Irish bladder and bolt.

Because -- and I can't stress this enough, either -- I don't care what you think. I'm not his assistant. I'm not going to pass your opinion onto him for you. We don't have a strange psychic link that allows him to hear whatever people say to me about him. We're not part of some secret order of Den(n)i who gather in underground caverns and plot the takeover of the world. You got a problem with what Denis is writing? Take it up with him (see comment 2 for suggestions how).

Actually, I kind of lied again. I will pass on your opinion about Denis' blog to him, but I'll also make fun of you -- especially if you're wearing a hat.

So, in conclusion...

Denis McGrath writes this blog.

I am not Denis McGrath.

I am Dennis Heaton (note the second N).

Thank you.

PS -- if you've confused me for Denis but love his blog, please note that I do take credit for it. (Sorry, McG... I gotta get those free drinks whenever I can).

PPS -- I'm not Dennis Foon either.

Next week: Why I am not the "other" Dennis.